In contrast with my last post, isolation is one of the worst things about being autistic. Other people seem happy and normal and have little to no problems with social interaction, while I’m scrambling to figure out what I’m supposed to say in a casual conversation. The awkwardness has begun to slowly decrease as I’ve increased the amount of “social interaction scripts” I have, but they were won slowly and at a high emotional cost, and they don’t hold up to close examination. I still torment myself with instances where I have messed up and worry quite often that people judge me for it.
I do have friends… just not very many, and the ones I do have a pretty high weird factor tolerance. Which makes them that much better as friends. But it’s very easy to listen to how society tells me that being autistic is bad and renew the cycle of shame I have attached to my poor socialization skills.
My obsessions aren’t something that ever leave me. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, my mind will immediately drop everything if my obsession (birds) pops up. My brain doesn’t care that I’m running a bit late to work, what’s really important is that little female house sparrow feeding her recently fledged chick on the sidewalk. As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to deal with it better (seeing birds will only distract me briefly instead of for 5-10 minutes), but it dominates my mind throughout the day. This actually doesn’t bother me so much and I think that, inconveniences aside, it is one of the best parts about being autistic. Birds give me great joy, and if I didn’t have this joy for them I think I would have a less full life.
I’m the exact same way about birds and everything. I used to get punished in school for nattering on and on about birds, but it didn’t stop me.
Hehe same here! Before I was school age I would stim by flapping my arms and hands really dramatically, my family called me a little bird… sometimes I wonder if the flapping stimming or the obsession with birds came first.
My obsessions aren’t something that ever leave me. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, my mind will immediately drop everything if my obsession (birds) pops up. My brain doesn’t care that I’m running a bit late to work, what’s really important is that little female house sparrow feeding her recently fledged chick on the sidewalk. As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to deal with it better (seeing birds will only distract me briefly instead of for 5-10 minutes), but it dominates my mind throughout the day. This actually doesn’t bother me so much and I think that, inconveniences aside, it is one of the best parts about being autistic. Birds give me great joy, and if I didn’t have this joy for them I think I would have a less full life.
Overstimulation
This image is meant to be painfully bright to look at, and it is for me, but I’m not sure if it will have the same effect for neurotypical people. The intense colors symbolize how painful overstimulation can be for me, even if it something I enjoy or find beautiful, like a hug from a friend or music I like. Being overstimulated drowns out everything else so that only I can only concentrate on the offending thing, whether it’s something “normal” to be overstimulated by (like a fire alarm) or “weird” (like fluorescent lights). I cannot understate how terrible overstimulation can be for me… it’s right up there with social problems (all of them!) for my worst symptoms.
Introduction
I intend to use this blog to post the art I make in an attempt to relate to my feelings about being autistic. It is not meant to speak for what it is like to be autistic for anyone other than myself. If you have any questions or comments, please leave them in my ask box. :)
